If you were to close your eyes and imagine the world, exactly as it is, with all its billions of inhabitants, what would you see?
Chances are, it wouldn’t be the same as what another person would see. Not even close.
There are a few reasons for this. The most obvious is because other people know different parts of the world. You might imagine your local neighbourhood quite well, but would do a terrible job imagining the South Pole, Bhutan, and Equador. This can’t be helped, but it isn’t a major problem.
The other reason is slightly more sinister.
You see, we all have constructed rules in our heads about how the world “should be”. Things like, “people should be polite on the street”, “people should go to church every week”, “people should be good parents”. Things that you try to abide to (although probably slip up sometimes–you’re only human, right?)
These rules, you see, warp how we see other people. We forget that others have their own rules. Our rule might be, “a father should spend lots of time with his children,” and the rule of another might be, “a father should work lots to provide for his children.” These aren’t always compatible with all jobs. If two people who hold these views are married, there can be a problem. Both views are nice enough, but the people in the marriage will fail to recognise that. We all forget that others have their own constructed world view that is different to ours. The wife asks the husband to spend more time with his children, and the husband interprets it as the wife deliberately asking for something bad. The husband works hard to provide and the wife interprets it as the husband deliberately doing something bad.
But actually, both were doing what they saw as best. You see–and this is very important to remember–no-one has a perfect set of rules. Neither the husband nor the wife were completely correct. The best solution would have been a compromise somewhere in the middle. This is easy enough to see, but most of the time it’s much more subtle and we miss it.
We apply our rules, our constructed idea of how the world should be, to others. And that is the most disrespectful thing you can do. Although normally it only makes for small things like relationship strife as above, it is the root of racism, sexism, and every other -ism.
Imagine Joe. Joe believes that a certain line in a certain book should be obeyed under pain of death. He reveres the book, and according to his world view, anyone who doesn’t isn’t doing so because they are purposefully being bad people, not because they have their own valid beliefs and world views. The line he attaches significance to is about people who are homosexual. According to his world view constructed from his mental rules, people who are homosexual aren’t born that way, but they choose to do it on purpose. It is therefore an almost personal insult: these people don’t only go out of their way to do what they must know is wrong and evil, they obey the one important line. A person who does such a thing deserves the penalty, just as anyone who knowingly breaks a law should be punished.
We can see where Joe is going wrong. He is applying his world view to other people. This is the most cruel, disrespectful, and unkind thing someone can do to another. It enables all kinds of horrible behaviour and actions. And it assumes that other people aren’t even human because it forgets that they have their own rules and world view.
You can’t get much worse than that.
Imagine Pete and Ash. They’ve been in a relationship for a while. Ash is feeling frustrated because Pete doesn’t seem to be putting the time into the relationship that Ash would like. Ash is confused, because Pete surely loves her enough that putting more time into things would be an obvious move. Ash concludes that Pete is doing this on purpose, and resent starts to build. Actually, Ash is applying her world view to Pete. Ash believes that Pete loves her more than he has demonstrated he actually does. This is bad on two levels: Ash is disrespecting Pete, but also, Ash doesn’t love Pete. Ash loves a person in her head that she has imagined Pete is, but that person isn’t the same as Pete in the real world. Close, but not the same. Ash loves a Pete who loves her so much that he wants to spend a certain amount of time with her. The real world Pete isn’t like this. She isn’t even respecting him enough to have an honest relationship with him: she loves her imagined picture of Pete, not the real Pete, with all his real-person flaws.
Pete just doesn’t put as much importance on Ash as Ash does in return. That is quite natural and not bad in itself. But Ash is projecting her imagined Pete onto the real Pete, and insisting that the real Pete act accordingly. She is forcing her world view on another person, and becoming resentful when the person doesn’t magically become her imagined figure.
Think about a relationship you’ve been in. Or a relationship you are in. How many conflicts or bad feelings were due to you projecting onto the other person? Did you ever find yourself frustrated that the person constantly acted in a way you found annoying or displeasing, but you didn’t bother to change your mental view of the person to compensate with it? How many break-ups have you had as a result of this?
Be in a relationship with a real person, with all their flaws and differences to the person you would like to imagine based on your world view. If you find that you aren’t compatible with the real person, that’s fine. At least give them the respect to see that, and move on, instead of being in a dishonest relationship with a phantasm in place of an actual person.
There is nothing wrong with having a constructed set of rules in your head, resulting in a world view. That is natural. But the absolute worst thing you can do–the thing that causes prejudice to be easy and disrespecto to be the norm–is to force your views on someone else. People are different. Not everyone will believe the same things as you, and that is a good thing. Start seeing people for who they are, instead of who you think they should be, and you’ll find your life and relationships with family, friends, and romantic interests become astronomically better.
Respect (Photo credits: www.mysecuritysign.com)